I’ve been dreading this week. Not so much for the getting a year older thing. Actually, that part I generally look forward to. Like a fine wine, I think I’m better as I age. No, the reason I’ve been dreading this week is… Friday. I’ve already posted about how I’m not going to be able to be able to celebrate the birthday properly (on the day of), and what it comes down to, is that most days I don’t mind being alone-ish. But I don’t like being alone on my birthday. I don’t like having nothing to do, no one to see and nowhere to be. It’s not just my birthday, really. Holidays in general. I don’t want to be alone on a day that should be celebrated.

This last weekend, I had a royal pity party for myself. All I was missing was the crown. I even started feeling sorry for myself about the winter holidays. The LAST thing I want to do is spend this coming December the same way I did the last– worrying over/waiting for Pop to recover from surgery and pining away for family all of whom (with the exception of Pop, of course) are in other states, if not another country. And here’s me, tied to this house, unable to get away. Honestly, I doubt that any of them will be able to make it this year either. Oh, yes. This last weekend, I put myself in a fine funk.

And you know what? Something good did come out of it. (Whodathunkit?) I realized that thinking like that will only bring on more of the same, so I decided to change my thinking. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to do something to improve my situation.

Well, there’s not much I can do about throwing myself a birthday party this year. It’s a bit late. And truly, Saturday will be absolutely wonderful, getting to spend time with almost all of my favorite east coast people, so I don’t REALLY have room to complain anyway. And as for the winter holidays, I am going to surround myself with as many of my friends as I possibly can. And to give me something to look forward to, I’m going to throw a small, intimate Yule party for my nearest and dearest. I may not be able to see all my family, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t feel the love.

Also, when I spoke to my sister the other day, I told her it was of the utmost importance that she call me on Friday. And she promised she would.

AND THEN!!! My super genius Daddy and Stepmom sent me an early birfday pressie: an awesome (like a hotdog) bread machine!!!! SQUEEEE!!!! I’m making my very first loaf right now: French bread. It won’t be baguette, because it’s in the wrong shape, but it should taste the same. OMG! Excited am I. (Have I mentioned excited?)

And today, I did my first stint as a volunteer at the library. Organizing the SciFi/Fantasy books = fun. People are lazy and put stuff in the wrong places, BUT I found a bunch of books I wanna read… when I’m done with what I’m reading right now.

Organizing the children’s reference section = not so fun. Besides the fact that small children have NO CONCEPT of filing/putting things in order, I didn’t find any books I wanted to read there. Started at the end and worked my way up, so when I left, I was still sifting through American history and forms of terrorism. I kid you not. Even so, it was incredibly fulfilling to see what a mess it started out as, and how tidy I was able to get my one little section. Although, I will say this: I need to start doing Yoga again.

So, oddly enough, I would say this week is off to a far better start than I expected. And as soon as I gets me my Frrrrrench Brrrrread, I’m gonna go have toast and jam!

OMG! My bread machine even has a setting to make jams and preserves! And BAGELS!@!!! (Not at the same time, but I hear that’s coming in a later model.)

And now, I leave you with this thought for the day:

Peace.

• 20:08 Just like The Doctor has two hearts, I think TheMadCow has two bladders. It would explain a LOT.
• 20:58 SQUEEEE! My daddy and stepmom got me a breadmaker for my birfday!!! I’m so excited! Mmmm. Hot home made breeeeeaaaaad…
• 05:37 updating the design of my webpage. nothing much’s on it… yet. but it will be! crap. i need to go to sleep.

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• 19:40 Tried recording an audio script, just fer fun. I think I did fairly well with everything except for the fact that I’m not a man. Oh, well.
• 21:41 no. i don’t want to. hmph. so there.
• 01:59 Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday! drhorrible.com/ W00t!

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Yeah, I’m noticing this whole “getting out in the real world” is becoming really important. The other day, I made a dash to the store in the middle of the night, while talking to Daddy. After a while, he had to go and got off the phone, but I kept talking. I became that crazy lady roaming the aisles of Volde-Mart at 1:00AM talking to herself– and not in the funny way. It freaked me out enough that I called Castle, knowing he’d still be up, just so that I could have someone responding to me, because I couldn’t stop talking.

Yes, getting around people who can hold down a conversation (that doesn’t loop every 15 seconds, thankyouverymuch) is starting to become important. Definitely. Definitely important. Definitely. Definitely. /typed-Rainman-impression YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?!

As you probably know, I have been fightingworking with the Veteran’s Association since mid-February, trying to get a homemaker to come in and give me some relief from caring for The Mad Cow, day in and day out. And as of 2 weeks ago, they finally came through (with a little nudge from Senator Rockefeller and Congresswoman Capito). All of a sudden, I went from 6 hours a week total to 4 hours, 5 times a week. TWENTY hours, to do grocery shopping, visit with friends and just be out of the house. HEAVEN! Mebbe I’ll even start finding my sanity again. I’m fairly certain I left it under a rock somewhere…

The problem is, my friends are working during the majority of those hours. And grocery shopping takes me about 2 hours, if I reeeeally stretch it. And, due to poor timing on the part of the theaters, I can’t really go see a movie. It has sort of left me wondering what the Hell I’m supposed to be doing with all this lovely free time? Something where I’m not spending money (because, hello! I don’t have an income) and where I’m out of the house, but not driving up to Parkersburg every day. Actually, Parkersburg would be a non-issue if it weren’t for the prohibitive cost of gas, and, well, lack of income.

Hmm, lack of income, plenty of time on my hands… At first I thought I could get a part time job! Except, that I would have to figure in commute time, because I LEAVE the house at 2:00, I can’t BE at work at 2:00. And I can’t work overtime. And I still need SOME time for shopping, or running up to Pburg for SOME necessities… and most offices in the area close by 5:00 (if I’m lucky), so I’ve got somewhere between 7.5 and 10 hours that I can work. Hmmm. Like anyone would waste time training me in their office to do 7.5-10 hours of work over 3-4 days in a week. GAH!

But I still needed something to do. Next thought: community service. So I went to my local library. Turns out they’re desperate for volunteers. In fact, they’re even hiring part timers right now (to the tune of 20-30 hours/week, so I still can’t do it, but it’s nice to know!). And I volunteered. Starting Tuesday (cuz Monday is grocery day), I get to put all of the sci-fi/fantasy books in alpha order. I’m realizing that to some people, that might sound downright dull, but I’m excited. I’ll get to work IN A LIBRARY, in the SCI-FI section, and I’ll be able to soothe that weird part of me that loves to put things in order (except in my bedroom). And there will be people there whose conversations don’t loop every 15 seconds! I might even get to talk to one of them. OooooOOOOOooooh!

So, yeah. I’m volunteering to work in the library, and I couldn’t be happier. Oh! And if I can get my bike fixed, I could even ride there every day. OoOOOOOoooooh! Built in exercise!

So, once that starts, I might go back to my regular conversations with myself, instead of the freaky ones. I’m excited.

Peace.

• 14:25 NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!

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• 18:07 Went Dress Shopping. Was successful, but not in the way I expected. Apparently, Appalachia doesn’t hold any formal affairs except prom.
• 19:37 Dude. This girl should totally come to OUR country and do this! tinyurl.com/5emc7m
• 00:07 Note to self: Always put glasses back in same place to avoid panic. Always, always, always. -deep breath-

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I have been handed a sacred duty. West Coast BFF (aka Arcana) is getting married and has asked me to be a bridesmaid. I’m so honored and excited to be able to fulfill this role. A lot of girls think being a bridesmaid is simply wearing a dress and standing next to the bride on the Big Day, but it’s so much more. You become a confidante, emotional support, a sounding board, a resource and a member of the team in charge of stress relief for one very special, frazzled lady. It’s a big job, and I’m honored to have been asked.

The uniform representing this sacred duty should be fairly easy to find, since in this case there are just very simple instructions: an all-black cocktail dress, knee length. Beyond that, I can choose whatever dress I want. I’m really grateful she’s chosen to go this route, because all of the bridesmaids have different body shapes, tastes and, well, budgets. This way, we can each wear what suits our own personalities the best. Plus, it also means we don’t have wear some cookie-cutter design from David’s Bridal. (I really don’t like their dresses for plus sizes, mostly because I’m not flat as a board!)

I’ll admit that when Arcana first told me this, I was apprehensive. I mean, I don’t live in Los Angeles anymore. I don’t think there are even any stores around here that carry just formal wear… except David’s Bridal. (Have I mentioned I don’t like them?) Little flickers of panic started dancing in the back of my brain, but I shushed them, thinking instead, of how awesome I will look when I’m wearing The Perfect Dress, and how I will be able to stand proudly at her side (or wherever she puts me) on her Big Day.

Right, I thought. I’d better get started early. The way I figured it, I had two options: shopping online or in person. Hmm… challenging choice. On the one hand, I don’t like buying clothing over the Interwebby. I’m not good at eyeballing clothing from a 2×3 picture to tell if it is appropriate and if it’ll fit me. The descriptions never tell you what the material feels like, and they almost never offer anything that would fit both my waist and my boobs. And quite honestly, I don’t want to be throwing money into shipping (and possibly return shipping.) I want my dress in hand the day I pay for it. With sleeves. And a design that will look good on MY body type. (I’m so picky, huh? Well, dammit, this is for a special event. If I’ve been given free reign to look good, then I want to Look Good.)

The other option is to Go Shopping. Yeah… See, I live in West Virginia. And while I live smack-dab between the first and third largest cities in the state, that’s really not saying much. At all. Today, I went up to Parkersburg (3rd largest), and visited numerous department stores, only to be told every single time, “Formal wear? Prom season’s over. You can check the clearance rack, but I don’t think there’s anything left in your size.” They were right. There wasn’t.

I felt myself starting to revert back about 10 years, to a time before my ex-husband showed me how to go clothes shopping. (Yes, that’s right. I was SO BAD at shopping for clothes, I needed a man to show me how to do it properly. Granted he was raised by a single Mom, but still.) It wasn’t that my taste had reverted, just an awful doom-of-ugly-clothing despair was rising in my throat. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry or throw up. This was even worse than trying on every dress in the store and not fitting into any of them. There weren’t any dresses left for me to try on!

As a last resort, I went to Lane Bryant (the fat lady store) to see if they either carry something I could use (they don’t) or if any of the sales girls had ideas on where I could go instead. They suggested their website (of course) and David’s Bridal. -sigh-

You know, there are a ton of stores back in LA that I could wander into, and they’d have exactly what I’m looking for. Grrrr.

Anyway, I walked out of that last store, my eyes glistening. If only, I thought. If only I knew someone who can sew, so that I can tell them what I want my dress to look like and then… Waitaminute. I know how to sew.

That’s right! There is a third option! We (Americans) never think about it anymore, because we are so used to just buying things off the shelf, but it is possible for me to make my own dress, to my size, with my specifications, and I can get exactly what I want. Now, I am by no means an expert seamstress, but I have made my own formal wear before, and not to toot my own horn or anything, but people were impressed with A) my dress and B) the fact that I made it myself. And, as I always say, if I’ve done it once, I can do it again.

With that thought in mind, I dashed off to my local fabric store and within an hour, I had two designs picked out. One of them is even a VINTAGE design from the 1950s, when designers were still making clothing for women with CURVES!!! The other one, to be blunt, will be easier for me to make.

LOL In one moment’s flash of inspiration, I went from having NO OPTIONS to too many!

I have to admit, I’m a little nervous about making a dress for myself, but I think I can pull it off. For one thing, I’ve got time. For another, before I cut an INCH from whatever fabric I choose, I’m going to make a muslin, which means I’m going to cut out and sew the entire dress in a thin, cheap cotton, just to make sure it fits properly. Then, when the muslin is fitted perfectly, I’ll take it apart, and use THOSE pieces as my pattern.

Okay, yeah. I’m nervous, but I’m really excited! This is the kind of thing you read about in Regency Romances… having a dress tailor-made to your own body!

So, yeah. Problem solved.

… It just makes me wonder. I mean, I know there are wealthy people out here– folks who would have a reason to wear formal wear: politicians (state capital, hello!), mine & factory owners and who knows what else. So, when all these fine folk decide to get together and have a shindig, do they only hold their galas during Prom season?

Peace.

• 15:21 I have found a new Spot for reading and writing, right by the river. Peaceful. Perfect.
• 15:27 And as soon as I got settled, spread out my books… it rained. Off to the library!
• 04:52 Like a NINJA I catch you before you can drop your drawers and leave your mark all over the house. Really glad I was awake for this one.
• 04:52 They say it’s the small things in life that make it lovely. In this case, I’m inclined to agree.

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• 13:12 You know, there is something intensely satisfying about waking up in your own bed, especially when you don’t do that every day.
• 13:13 (Because usually I wake up on the couch.)
• 14:09 Discovering what a really good idea it is to have premade burrito fixins in fridge. Yum on the run.
• 04:02 Plot bunnies have attacked my brainses again! For the manuscript that I’ve already written and only half edited. Do I really wanna revamp?

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Today was light and lovely. The Mad Cow decided to take a “nap” in his own bed this morning, which meant that I got to sleep in mine for most of my sleep cycle. And I woke up feeling really good! (Usually, I sleep on the couch for most of my “night” to make sure I hear it when he decides to caper around the house.)

Fae (Pop’s new homemaker/assisty person) came by a bit early– calling beforehand to make sure it was okay– so that had me in a bit of a last minute rush, but really, I didn’t mind. Ah, the wonders of a good “night’s” sleep.

I tried to get the oil changed for the car, but the garage was full today, so they pencilled me in for tomorrow. And that put the kibosh on my plans (oil change, then hang out in the library and reeeeead), so I drove up to Parkersburg (because I CAN!) and read in the coffee shop in Borders for a few hours. I might have bought the latest C. E. Murphy book, too.

Somewhere in there, the weather went from a sweltering 90+F and humid, to 70F and thunderstorms. In, like, five minutes. Sitting in the large bookstore, I could hear the rain pelting the rooftop over their piped music. At first it was like the heavens opened and dumped. By the time I had to leave, it had slacked, but it was still raining fairly heavy. But it was a warm rain, so I didn’t mind at all walking through it to get to my car. In fact, it was rather sensuous.

When I got home, Fae reported– surprised– that Pop slept most of the day. I guess that means he’s decided she’s no longer Company, as he would never sleep in front of Company. Probably the bath had something to do with that.

After that, we had a very quiet evening, where Pop watched TV really, really loud, and I finished reading Eloisa James’s Duchess by Night, which was delightful! I wish Mom was still around. I know she’d have liked this one. Regency romance, at its best.

Well, it’s time to take out the trash, clean the kitchen and head to bed. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll be able to stay there most of tonight too!

Peace.